It’s New Moon today and I feel the glorious weight of it as I sit down to type. New Moons are good for vowing, for promising, for resetting, for telling stories around the fire. This isn’t going to be easy, but I feel prompted to share because, listen – I have come so far, and I want you to know *how far* because maybe, just maybe, you are where I was and wondering how the hell to get out.
Cosy up. I want to tell you…(pleased be gentle with yourself if you’re a survivor. You may find this triggering.)
I was born to shine, but before I could do that I had to be forged, shaped, made ready for the work ahead of me.
My childhood was full of violence. I was violated in all the ways a girl child could be violated. I witnessed violence between my parents, and later between my mother and her lovers. I was sexually abused (such a tame way of putting it but I don’t want to traumatize anyone with too many details) by one of those lovers for years. My mother seemed to despise me and called me horrible names. I wasn’t a well child and her response was to try to bully me into being one. I was also bullied in school, baffling to teachers (intelligent but meek and terrified and never awake enough to do the work), a wisp of a person. A shadow.
My mother remarried a man who didn’t beat her, but raged against her daughters on a regular basis. I was hit with a hairbrush, a wooden spoon, bare hands. I was in a constant state of terror and rebellion.
I left my family home when I was a teen to go and live with my alcoholic birth father. This did not go well, and by the time I was fifteen, I was bouncing from foster home to emergency shelter to the streets to a treatment center for troubled girls. During my stay in my last ‘situation’ I met a man (at a friend’s) who was much older than I, and it wasn’t long before we were ‘shacked up’. By 18 I was pregnant. By 21 the relationship was over and after struggling to raise my daughter on my own, I relinquished custody. There were agreements and promises made about how often I could see her, but he left the province and all promises were broken.
In the meantime, I met another man. And another. And in my love-seeking, I put my body on the rack of spousal abuse. I bore children out of a desperate need to have *someone* that belonged wholly to me, to love and be loved by. In some of these relationships, I was a sexual toy, and no more. In others, a punching bag. In others, the ultimate dress up doll. I experienced extreme poverty & lost my upper teeth to malnutrition. I was in and out of hospital for depression. I self-mutilated. I gave myself away to whomever wanted me without much thought about whether or not *I* wanted *them*.
Throughout all of this, I was spiritually seeking. I read books by Starhawk and Diane Stein. I studied tarot and goddess spirituality and Kabbalah and alternative spiritual systems. Many of the women who were writing about goddess spirituality also wrote about how they’d been victimized in childhood. This led me to understanding that what I experienced before I left home was *not my fault*. I did some therapy. I retrieved memories of the dissociation I experienced in childhood (between five and eight) and remembered how my awesome brain allowed me to cope. I remembered how I would ‘go away in my head’. I remembered how I was whisked off in my ‘imagination’ to a safe place where the essential core self that was me could wait out what was happening.
This safe place was an ‘imaginary’ willow grove. There was a cottage there, full of all the things I loved. Books and pencils and paper. Long white nightgowns with froths of lace at hem, neckline and wrist. A woman kept the place up when I wasn’t there, and I only knew her as Silver. Whenever I would ‘wake up’ there (and that is how it always felt), she would bathe me and dress me and look after me until ‘it’ was over.
Some would characterize this as nothing but a story a wounded child told herself while she was being raped or beaten, and that may very well be true, but I’ll tell you this for nothing: that trick of my brain in removing my awareness from what was happening to me and into safety saved my life. Something about remembering this and reclaiming that ‘inner temple’ accelerated my healing. I *wanted* to heal. I *knew* I was broken. I *longed* to be whole again.
***
I kept diaries and dreamed of someday writing my story. I started it a million times but it was nothing but ‘trauma vomit’. There was no happy ending to report. What kind of inspiration or succor could I possibly offer when all I could really offer was how I’d been brutalized and how I was still being brutalized.
Still, I hoped someday I’d be able to help women like me. I felt a calling, a desperation to redeem my experience by rising above it and maybe, just maybe, showing the way. I started to think maybe someday I’d figure it all out and find myself jumping, for once, from the frying pan into cool, clear water instead of the fire I kept finding myself in. If I survived.
I wasn’t sure I’d survive.
In all those years, I was trying to learn to parent. I was trying to be some kind of Mom. I loved my kids and I was devoted to their care, but I was not emotionally available to them, and I grew in that awareness. I started to look for books in the library about parenting; started watching Oprah and Dr. Phil for some kind of clue what to do with myself. Started going to sexual abuse survivor counseling. Contacted social services and got help with parenting. Went to therapy, stopped going, went, stopped going. Kept journaling. Started to heal.
In my 24th year, my sister took her own life. I’d love to tell you that this was a huge wake up call for me, but I can’t. I can tell you that it sent me spiraling into the depths of despair. I hated everyone. Her, my parents, myself. I hated the world that allowed little girls to be so wounded that they couldn’t live in it any longer. I became suicidal myself, but I had children and for a time, I had her children in my care.
I soldiered on.
My partner at the time had racked up $5000 worth of phone calls to a sex chat line. He frequented prostitues and shamed me for being too uninteresting to keep him faithful. I put up with this until the day he decided it was a good idea to put cat litter in my son’s mouth to teach him not to play in it.
I left the next day. Moved in with a girlfriend. Hooked up with someone I used to know. Got pregnant. Again.
We got married a month after our child was born, and separated a year after that. I lost my shit. Sent my older boys up North to stay with their paternal grandparents while I tried to get it together. Left the new little one in the care of her paternal grandparents. Took my youngest son with me (because he had no one *but* me) and we moved in with a girlfriend.
I met a guy.
And moved across country.
And ended up in a battered women’s shelter.
And met a guy.
And moved across continent.
And ended up moving back to Canada with my tail tucked between my legs.
Are you sensing a pattern here?
This brings us to 2003, and this story is to be continued.
xo
Effy
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Oh, Effy, I just want to turn to you and enfold you in the biggest, safest, hug and let you know how courageous I think you were to keep searching, and trying, and living.<3<3<3
Effy, I have the biggest hug for you, and so much respect for you it is un ture. Your writing has touched me to the core. You are such an amazing person, and you are doing it, you are really helping people, you have helped me more than you may ever know, and I see what you do for others too. thank you for sharing your story, it is a brave and big step. And know we are all here with you xoxo
You, my friend, are such a beacon. You have healing magic in you that shines bright enough to light your path … and to guide so many to the beacons within. I can already feel and see the ripples of light.
I hold you in my heart. I really do.
Wow, you have touched on your past before, so I knew the gist of it but of course not the detail. Surving this so well makes you the fabulous person you are, and so well qualified to help so many others – I feel sure you will fulfil that dream one day. I know there is a happy ending but I hope its in part II not III or IV.
You are a very very brave and strong woman. I recognize a lot in your stories. I hope writing this down helps you as much as it helps others! xxx
Effy– there are no words more powerful than the ones you have within you. There is no love I can give you greater than that which you can give yourself. There is no temple large enough for the god(dess) that moves in you. There is, however, my deep and abiding kinship that brought me to you. I do not like women. I do not trust family. And yet… I am blessed to call you sister.
I honor your path. I relate. I connect. I am you. I am blessed to know you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for surviving. Thank you for being.
Effy,Thank you so much for this,I wish I could put my arms around you and make it all go away, but I do know we can’t do that. The only way out is to face it and face the people (if possible) that hurt us and our children. I am still in this dark whole but I am trying to craw out and I know I will and maybe I will be brave enough like you are to share. Just maybe it will help someone else.
I hope you know how much you are going to empower women by sharing your story! I also want you to know that I’m so sorry that the people who were supposed to love and cherish you didn’t. You bring so much joy, hope, and comfort to so many people. Thank you.
Effy, I admire your courageous spirit! You have been through so much and written this excruciating story of your life, so not only can you heal but hopefully help others! You are a kind gentle soul!
obviously born to LIVE and SHARE and CONTRIBUTE and as you say, SHINE, and BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE. I hope this will be cleansing for you. with love, Donna
Dear Effy, so very brave of you to share the details of what has brought you to your present. I want to lovingly hug and love that wounded little girl! Many of us have wounds, some more horrific than others, but you really have been through the wringer. I love and admire you so much. I don’t think I know anyone more authentic than you, and I’ve never even met you in person. I’m very touched that you would share so much to help an unknown number of souls find their way. Blessings to you! Cindy
You are the hope.
May you be safe and protected. May your body be healthy and strong. May your heart be happy and peaceful. May you take care of your life with ease and joy.
your bone-song is terrible, very painful, but it’s so important to say things…you put the part of your burden in our hands, and now there’re so many sisters helping you to carry it…we are going to tidy your story on our soul shelves, put a lid on it…a new story will come, and we’ll do the same…and little by little, the stories will be in good order in closed boxes; they won’t disappear, but they will be closed, the boxes will make a stair, you ‘ll be able to climb it and dance on the top shelf…and we’ll sing and applause our brave and beloved sister.
All of this, terrible as it is, has made Effy Wild.
Living her one wild and precious life.
And helping so many others to do the same.
You will probably never know just *how much* you are changing peoples’ lives with your words, your art and your story. But you really are. xxx
I’m sending you the biggest hug. You are so strong. Be proud of yourself.
Effy, a shero …. you are a shero … you are a shero.
You have blessed my life and my families life in ways you will never know until the end of your days on earth.
No wonder Shiloh wants you to edit her books.
You, Shiloh, Dr. E., and Meinrad Craighead are my shero’s … yes, your name in the same breath as these women …
Effy, your courage is truly inspiring. Brave in the surviving and brave in the telling. Thank you. There’s a lot for me there. xo
I came across your site via several other blogs- liked your page on face book knowing I’d be inspired to continue my creativity. However little did I know I stumbled upon an amazing woman who has been through her healing- and is willing to take the next step and show her scars! What beauty and inspiration you truly are. I am honored to have had an opportunity to read your story. Loves to you beautiful soul sister. XxOo- s
God is saying , oh my so wounded child, turn your life to me your Daddy, I am here waiting for you. You are my precious daughter, you are the daughter of the King. Tell me and repent of your past sin, I died to make you white as snow. Accept this awesome pure salvation and eternity with me, I will restore to you what the emery has stolen from you, just talk to me, and come to me with all your heart. I AM. With arms wide open, Jesus
God has bestowed and established your hands to express what you feel and has touched many including me, I so look forward seeing your work, it’s wonderfully healing, Shalom complete peace, Carolyn
I haven’t been around much however I do watch every video and go to facebook now and then. You are the most inspiring person I have met on the internet! Your story has me in tears, crying out for this little girl who had to find a safe place to hide. You have an amazing soul Effy! Just know you are in my heart today! xoxo
Effy, I hope it is a comfort to you to get it all out. As an abused child myself, I understand how “keeping it all in” can damage the healing process. You should be really proud that you have dealt with this at last. May your Muse and your Guardian help you along the journey to Be.
Effy you are one brave courageous lady. Thank you for sharing your story, with your help I am getting there xxx
Your honesty touches me deeply Effy.
How awesome is Silver? A place where you can go and “be whole” – that is just so wonderful. I think for any kid who had to go away inside their head, it’s a beautiful thing to be able to do.
Hugs to you, Effie
I am not anyone important. I am another survivor. Your courage, honesty and survival skills and, oh yes, your art went all the way through me, opening me up. I wanted to connect with you, to have what you have. I want to learn to use my creativity to heal. I am NO artist though. Not at all, but, maybe your BOD and the group is the place to come. I have been looking forever.
Effy, my heart hurts because of everything you have been through and is overjoyed that you have found a new pattern, one that is healing and loving. Lots of love to you and your wonderful precious heart. Thanks for sharing.
Ditto to all comments Effy. I rejoice to see that you are sooo strong and now inspire other women, to shine a light where it seems there is only darkness.
many blessings.
Hi Effy, i don’t know you, only via internet and art and videos. i don’t know what to say, but i just hope your part 2 has a happy ending . . .
What an inspiration you are, Effy. You turned a horrible situation into a gift to help other women who have walked the same path. Your honesty will bring healing to many. Thank you
women are capable of so much awesomenes…power to you!
Sparkle Plenty -
You are not only my cosmic sister you are my sheroe. I waited a few days to read this because each time I came to it I felt a burning in my heart. Today on my day off I sat down to know your story and you. To stand with you in the legend making. I am making a cake to Silver. I am holding your hand as we skip in a place where this didn’t happen ever. I am holding your hand as we dance between the worlds in this place where it does happen and we find eachother.
This is SO F***ing cliche but suffice to say, I have been working for you all of my life. You are my boss. The one I get up for in the morning. The one I continue to strive for. The one Cosmic Cowgirls was made for. And your returning to me and this tribe is victory over shame and darkness and a call to the beauty that is possible. I want to make you tea and say, I understand, but I cannot because I do not understand who you are and how you could be. Your witness of the weaving of your life and tools you have forged from your sufferings makes me bow down and give thanks to Creator for saving you. You were saved for this. For me. For all of us and for you. PRAISES BE we walk this road and hold red keys in hot hands ready for new life even after so much broken bits that have poked our guts out. I am here with you and shall never depart from your side.
Shiloh